thinking about yesterday

I seriously don't know how to start this entry. Maybe I should just start by writing down how I feel.

I'm depressed. And I hope this won't last the whole day.

I suddenly remember one of my favorite movies. With Honors -- that movie was a hit back in my highschool days. I have always loved the characters of Moira Kelly (Courtney) and Brendan Fraser (Monty). Just something I remembered. Or maybe something I'm remembering now because I saw HIM.

I have always believed in seizing the moment, carpe diem, not letting moments just pass you by. I have always believed that life is too short for people to have regrets. I have always believed that we should make the most out of every situation, every opportunity that we have. I have always believed that I do not have regrets in my life. But today, I felt it. I felt regret.

I just came from the hospital. I visited a friend who gave birth. While hanging out in her room, I remembered HIM. So i texted him. And surprise, surprise! He was on duty! He dropped by the room, we chatted for a while, then it was over.

Ours is no love story. We never had a chance to be together. We met each other in highschool. Then from there, moved on to different lives. Everytime I reminisce about those days, his face would always pop in my mind. I actually found it funny, that we never got together. It was a matter of wrong timing. It was either he had someone, or I had someone else. The one chance that we had of getting together, I backed out. Thinking that I was still too young. Thinking about it now, I should have taken more risks. Regrets again.

Until two years ago when a friend and I visited him in another hospital in Quezon City, I knew nothing about him anymore. I was even in a bit of a hurry then, because I had to get back to Ortigas to meet up with some friends in 90 Proof. The visit lasted for not more than an hour. I was just happy to know that he's okay, catching up a little bit about his life and my life. Maybe I wasn't tuned in to my feelings about him at that time because I had a boyfriend then.But I did feel a twinge of sadness. I remember that images went through my mind, images and scenarios of what might have been had we been truthful to each other about how we really feel. Then I just shrugged it off. Little did I know --that was my first encounter with regret.

When we said our goodbyes earlier, a great wave of sadness came over me. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I smiled at him and did the same. He reached out for my hand and held it for a few seconds. Then he was gone. I wanted to go after him and tell him so many things. I wanted to ask him if he still remembers. But I didn't. I couldn't. I held back.

I can choose to call him "the one who got away" and live with these regrets. Or I can choose to put an end to the endless "what if" questions going through my mind. I don't really know what I want to do.

I just hope that once I decide, I won't regret my decision.

"Today when I saw you
I knew it was just like the first time
When you met my eyes I came close
And I felt like the first time

To hold back my fear
and feel you so near
I’ve never been this far before
To hold back my fear
and feel you so near
I’m scared of falling into deep this time

Do I need a reason to tell you why
I’m singing you this song
Do I need a reason to show you that
I know where I belong..."

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